Subject: Welcome To ObamaCare!
Dear Mr. American
Subject: Welcome To ObamaCare(TM)!
Welcome citizen! Welcome to the newwest and greatest government managed health insurance and care system in the United States. Our records indicate that you require the services of this program and are currently being en rolled as you either do not have private insurance, have private insurance but it does not meet federal guidelines and you do not qualify for Medicare, Medicaid, SCHIP, admittance to the Veterans Administration Hospital System or any of the already in existence government funded and managed health care or insurance systems in existence.
We hve processed your application, filled out by our highly trained staff using information from a myriad of sources. We have pulled your DMV records, consulted previous census filings, income tax returns, etc. to gather up all necessary information so that you will not have to bother with the tedious paper werk. Yes, you Mr. Amerikan are now ready to begin enjoying the benefits of ObamaCare(TM) for all your health care and insurance needs. There are no bills to pay. Fees will be collected at the time you file your 2009 income tax return. Send no money! If you do not pay income taxes fear not, other Americans will be billed on your behalf.
Your membership card has been send and should arrive within the next 4 to 6 months. Please be aware that you will need this card to obtain services from an approved provider and that without this card you cannot receive services. So keep it on your person at all times once it arrives and until it does arrive, what ever you do, do not get sick!
Again welcome to ObamaCare(TM)! If you have any questions or concerns we will have a help line set up within the next 12 months to begin taking your calls. Until then just sit tight. Your business is impertent to us. In the meantime, any complaints concerns should be sent to flag@whitehouse.gov ObamaCare@whitehouse.gov. Upon receiving your complaint concerns, a member of the federal government will be dispatched to your location in order to assure you that you are incorrect and that everything is just fine. No really … everything is just fine. There are no problems. You don’t want to be a troublemaker do you?
I didn’t think so.
Sincerely,
Barack Hussein Obama, President
United States of America
Disclaimer and other information: No warranty is made nor implied by the President, the Congress or any elected member or unelected employee of the federal government that by being enrolled in ObamaCare(TM) you or any person covered under this plan will actually receive care for any illness, disease, injury, malady, medical problem, sickness, virus, infection, syndrome or ailment that may occur. Further let it be known that no warranty is made nor implied by the President, the Congress or any elected member or unelected employee of the federal government that by being enrolled in ObamaCare(TM) you or any person covered under this plan who suffers from any illness, disease, injury, malady, medical problem, sickness, virus, infection, syndrome or ailment covered under the program will actually have their medical expenses covered under the plan. There are, after all a lot of other things to pay for including Cash for Clunkers, bailouts for the automobile industry, stimulus funds for the banks, bribes to unions, funds for ACORN and so on. All information gathered by the federal government in order to complete your application and enrollment in ObamaCare(TM) has now been made part of the public record and everything from your high school transcripts and “permanent records” to your yearly income to whether or not you wash your hands after going to the bathroom are now contained in a publicly searchable database for anyone to see. Citizens are asked to look at the database and the information for people that they may know and verify its correctness to the federal government. Any inaccuracies are to be reported immediately to flag@whitehouse.gov ObamaCare@whitehouse.gov. For each confirmed innacuracy in any data the citizen reporting it shall receive a crisp new one hundred dollar bill while each citizen found to have innaccurate information associated with their name, regardless of the reason as it is likely a government snafu anyway, shall be fined $10,000 for each innaccurate item. Hey, we have to pay for this program somehow! Anyway, in other news a new statue of President Barack Obama is currently being planned. This statue will be put up in place of the Washington Monument because that cruddy old thing reflects the old ways of America and not this new “Hope” and “Change” thing that we have been working hard on since election day 2008. The Washington Monument will not however be wasted. It will be torn down and the bricks used to reinforce the New Orleans levies. Oh, by the way we are accepting donations for this whole project which can be sent to ObamaStatueFund@whitehouse.gov. Won’t you please help us out? We’re really short on cash with the recession, tax receipts being down and soaring deficits and all. Speaking of things we are working on, right now at whitehouse.gov we are running a poll as to which face should be removed from Mount Rushmore to make room for my … uh … I mean President Obama’s face. Oh, who am I kidding! You know it’s me – the Bamster! Had you going there with all that legal mumbo jumbo up there didn’t I? Hey, I was a lawyer; remember? So I know all that jargon and stuff. I am just sitting here chillaxin in the White House. By the way, there is also another poll asking on whitehouse.gov which side you think is my “good side” and should be on display for future generations to bask in my glory. While I have your attention, is there anyone reading this that knows how to run a country? No, seriously, I don’t really know much about this whole “governing” thing at all. I’m used to telling people what to do and them just marching around and doing it. Worked really great in Chicago. Isn’t working so great here in Washington though. Heck, I cannot even get the Democrats to fall in line. And have you seen all those angry protestors showing up to tell members of Congress what they think of my plans? Hey, that reminds me, if you see anyone not going along with my ideas I want you to send me an email at we.need.some.thugs.now@whitehouse.gov. Just make sure to include your exact location and a description of the disloyal subject or subjects and members one of our crack units made up of members of ACORN and the SEIU will be there in a jiffy to make sure they know who is boss. Hey, maybe you have heard but I am also having a lot of trouble finding people to fill posts in my administration. I know that there are lots of angry racist, black supremacists, black nationalists, avowed communists and others sympathetic to my cause out there so if you are reading this or now someone that falls into one of those categories please, please, please send me an email at Obama.needs.help@whitehouse.gov so that I can finish all that I have started. Until next time, peace out and don’t forget to boycott that evil white supremesist … uh supremicist … oh darn … “hate monger” Glenn Beck and his advertisers. And don’t forget, 2012 is right around the corner and I can always use your donations to defeat those vile Republicans. Send donations to Obama2012@whitehouse.gov.
By: J.J. Jackson (www.libertyreborn.com)
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